THE TABLET March 10, 2007

Commitment Is Needed In Marriage

Last weekend I performed the marriage of the daughter of a couple I married over 30 years ago.  She was the second child in that family for whom I have been invited to witness the Sacrament of Marriage. Frequently, now, I am asked to perform marriages of those whose parents I have married.  On one hand, it makes you feel mature, or rather, old; on the other hand, there is great happiness to recognize that the marriage of parents has lasted so long and that their children are now coming to the Church seeking the same sacramental marriage that their parents have had for many years. 

The crisis of our society certainly has a lot to do with how we view marriage in view of the difficulties and stress which married couples experience today.  In the next several columns, I would like to reflect on marriage in different aspects.  Today, perhaps from the social science and religious point of view, we might consider what promotes a happy and lasting marriage.

While there is significant stress and strain on married couples, the support systems of the past seem to be a lot weaker.  For example, I always ask a couple who comes to me seeking marriage what their parents think about the prospective spouse.  Most are taken aback by this question, wondering what does my mother and father have to do with my choice of a spouse?  And I respond by saying, your mother and father are the people who know you best and they certainly know with whom you can live the rest of your life.  It is hoped that the parents have an intact marriage, which today is becoming rare.  I do believe that the support systems for marriage involve the family and extended family that absorbed some of the stress and strain of marriages in the past.   Today, unfortunately, the nuclear family has to stand on its own without the support systems of the past.

A study of newlyweds found that time, sex and money are the high stress factors in the early years of marriage.  Today, it is the norm that both husband and wife work, certainly as their marriage begins.  This does not allow them to have the time that is necessary for them to develop their relationship after marriage.  Certainly, the sexual relationship is critical the first five years of marriage, as is the allocation of money to develop a family and set up a home.  These factors add to the stress, and unfortunately the study found that many marriages did find difficulty after the first five years.  It is hoped that we can learn from this research and develop pastoral programs that give extra support to newly married couples since the support systems of the past are absent or weaker than they were.

In this regard, surveys of teens and young adults suggest that they place a high value on marriage and family life.  Although the younger generation emphasized the important personal commitment that is needed to sustain married life, they often failed to consider the significance of community support, such as that received from religious and social institutions, and family support. Today our society is so individualistic that newlyweds believe that they must make it on their own, that the support of extended family is interference, not a help.  I hope we can teach our young people from the beginning of marriage that family means family, not just husband and wife, but an extended family.  The old jokes of the past, poking fun at the interference of in-laws with a marriage, was perhaps overstated.  The support of mothers and fathers to newly married children is critical if the marriage is to be a long-term success.

If we look at the most common reasons for divorce, we find a lack of commitment, too much conflict and arguing, and infidelity.  Unfortunately, commitment is often very rare in our society.  Many people are not committed to jobs, or even to chosen vocational professions.  People feel that change is good, and it is. But when we apply this to marriage, this is not good.  The problem of conflict and arguing is a difficult one to manage in marriage.  It normally stems from lack of communication. 

Years ago, I was involved in the Marriage Encounter Movement, which is truly a faith-inspired approach to developing strong marriages.  Its key message is that communication between couples is critical.  The simple method known as “ten/ten” calls for a 20-minute conversation each day, ten minutes for each spouse, where devoid of all distraction they just communicate their feelings to one another---not the events of the day, but their feelings about those events; where they share not only the problems, but the feelings they have about those problems.  The sharing of feeling is perhaps the best way for married couples to come to understand and deepen their commitment to one another.

Finally, infidelity has become another issue in our society.  Unfortunately, it is all too common, and especially in the workplace, where flirting becomes a hazard to fidelity.  Perhaps spouses must look at the wedding ring they wear.  It is a sign given in fidelity to one another, and when temptations, especially in the workplace, present themselves, the glance at that wedding ring perhaps can turn that moment of temptation to one of deeper commitment.  How important it is that we look to our commitments in life.  This is only possible through prayer and a deeper knowledge of our faith.

On the other hand, the most common reasons for couples enjoying long-term marital success are commitment and companionship.  The need for commitment certainly develops over time; no marriage is perfect on the wedding day.  It takes years of maturing, and companionship develops with that.  Clearly, marriage is the relationship of friendship; it is the highest form of friendship as we learned from even the Roman philosophers of the past.  Cicero in De Amicitiae makes this critical point:  “The highest form of friendship that we know for married couples is the marriage commitment.” 

A number of years ago, an older man, who had just lost his wife, expressed to me his sorrow by saying, “I’ve lost my companion in life.”  I will never forget those words.  He sincerely meant that his wife was his companion, his fellow traveler through the valleys and mountains of life with its ups and downs.  Commitment of this type can happen in marriages that are sacramental. 

In a future article, perhaps I can speak about the sacramentality of marriage.  Suffice it to say, however, that a sacramental marriage contains all the elements necessary for commitment in marriage.  Complementing personal commitment is a need for a commitment to the ends of marriage, meaning support for child bearing, openness to children and a belief in marriage for life.  Such commitment results in high levels of intimacy and marital happiness, as another social study has found.  Couples who stay married and happy have the same types of disagreements as those who divorce.  The difference is how they handle these disagreements.  It is about behaviors or best practices, as another study tells us.

Marriage is certainly an exercise in “putting out into the deep.”  The wedding ceremony, beautiful as it is and as normative as it has become in our society, is only the launching pad for a deeper life of commitment.  The Lenten season gives us an opportunity to reflect on the Sacraments which form our lives, Baptism, Eucharist and Confirmation.  For married couples, perhaps it is the Sacrament of Marriage that can be perfected during this Lenten season.  Lenten penances that reflect deeper love for members of the family are perhaps difficult to perform, but they have lasting effects. As we live the Lenten season, let us find ways to support each other and to support married couples, so that in turn they will learn to support each other.                                       

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